I’m scrapbooking today.  I do it the old fashioned way with paper and stickers and lovely textural things.  And I’m working on our tenth anniversary book.  Yes, the anniversary was nine years ago and so much has happened in the distance between then and now, but it was a happy night and I want to make a pretty book.

What I didn’t expect to feel was this wave of melancholy.  Wow.  Like a tidal wave it’s washed over me.  As I look at the photos.  How many of these people are still in my life?  How many people are no longer with us?  Death took them from us too soon.  And what of the stories of the people in the pictures?  The journeys their life has taken them on?  Did we see any of it coming back then?  Marriages on the brink of ending?  Relationships on the cusp of beginning?  Children?  Oh my.

I wonder if photographs are our way to time travel.  Because, like music or a powerful scent, we are catapulted back to that moment.  But with the perspective of time to temper it?  Oh me. Maybe my dreams of going back in time are not such a good thing.  Cause I won’t see it from the eyes of the child, I’ll see it from the wisdom and pain of today.  Maybe I can go into someone else’s life?  But then I’d want to warn them.  And yet, it’s better to let well enough be, isn’t it?  Isn’t that what I continue to learn?  Let go and let be.

And then there’s all the people who have come into our life since then.  Or returned after a long sleepy slumber.  I can’t help but wonder what the next eight years will bring.  What we will all see in these next eight years?  Are we looking towards a better tomorrow?  I hope so.

I’m down for the count cause of this sinus infection which really sucks cause I feel well enough to be up but not well enough to work so I wander around the house aimlessly not caring to do much of anything including put punctuation in this sentence which is probably okay.  Sigh.

That’s it.  I have no news to share.  The fires are on the outskirts of our valley making the air brown and murky but I don’t feel right complaining cause the firemen are out there dealing in this heat. Ah, fire season.  I actually live in a place that has a fire season.  What is that?  I want to live where I get to wear cute coats.

My throat hurts.  I have no more Gilmore Girls to watch.  I’m tempted to rewatch the ones that I have.  My ears are plugged.  Our car needed fixing.  1800 to get the electronics on the seat of the van fixed.  The driver’s seat.  If we don’t I can’t drive it.  So I’ll be using a booster seat.  Unless we switch the driver and passenger.  Not sure we can.  Amazing isn’t it?  What were we thinking getting a high tech vehicle.  I knew better.  Maybe it’s time to sell it?  Every electronic gizmo on that thing has gone out.  Every single one.  The door.  Everything.  Never again.

I guess to begin my rant I have to admit to watching THE MODELS OF PROJECT RUNWAY.  Not an auspicious beginning I know.  But never the less I was.  And low and behold one of the models wins a trip to the Emmys or Grammys or something.  Yay for skinny her.  She brings a friend.  Also, good for the two of them.  Ye without colons.

But at the award after party or before show or whatever they are treated to “The Room” where they are free to pick from among a boat load of treasures. Hundred dollar bags, thousand dollar rings, oh and more.  Boots and coats and on and on.  And after watching these women whose claim to fame is being able to walk, enjoy their plunder.  I find myself thinking who pays for this?  Are these sponsors really doing that well that they can afford to give this stuff away.  And how are they paying for this?  Isn’t it by charging us much more than is appropriate for the goods?  I mean, is anything free?  Were it one or two items, but I’m talking rooms and rooms of stuff.

Yes, maybe it is a bit of sour grapes, watching the rich get richer.  But it’s also have a little class people.  There are millions who can’t afford health insurance.  Our unemployment is in the double digits and you’re giving this stuff to the haves?  It’s like watching the AIG execs continue to spend on their bonus trips.

So I’m boycotting.  I know Nine West was one sponsor.  I will check the others.  And yes, it’s just me.  But I’ve had it.  So this is my little part in the fight against wasted spending.

On the other front.  I’m reading HOW TO KNOW GOD by Depak Chopra.  I think he’s an alien come from another reality to teach us how to love.  How could he be that brilliant?  Oh my gosh.  His insights.  His wisdom.  The way he explains reality.  Or not reality. I don’t know.  He’s amazing.  But here’s the thing.  I started to think about the models.  And my dream of being on the cover of People.  Yes, I harbor this ridiculous fantasy cause it always seems that the People in People are having a much more important life than me – I digress – anyway, one of the reasons I think I love reading these books.  Learning about this is that it’s possible for all of us to achieve – is that the word – enlightenment.  And it’s one of those Zero Sum Gains things where when one person wins we all win.  It’s like the ultimate success.  Cause it has nothing to do with money or looks or talent or smarts or anything.  It’s about peace and joy and love to all.   And I love that.  Suddenly, in this wonderful reality Depak has presented there is no duality.  There is no me vs. them or me and them.  There is only Is.  And we are all there if we chose to be.  And this world that he paints is so much richer than any TV show or movie or sports game can offer.  Cause in this reality there is abundance and joy only.  Wow, huh?

That makes a grand total of five this week.  Am I having fun or what?  This one was from an agent.  So now I’ve been turned down by a publisher and an agent.  Hmmm. Okay, I’m disappointed.  But I felt like I was being handled by this agent so I know she’s not right for me.  But still.  I want to be invited to the party so I can say, “let me think about it.”  I guess I got to go back to my prayers of wisdom and being grateful that I am eliminating what isn’t working for me.  I don’t want to.  I feel sullen and cranky about this.  Urgh.

I am really proud of myself in other areas. Shy me.  And yet I’m really out there right now.  I make sure to say “hi” and stand and talk to people when my insides are like jelly and I don’t know what to say.  But I’m heartened by what Candis said.  Or maybe I just cling to it?  If we looked at every event we attend.  Every gathering we appear in like it was a birthday party then the assumption would be that we are wanted there.  And so there I am.  Acting as if in hopes the shyness will go away and I will actually feel comfortable.  Yay for me.  The little kid in me is going, “where’s my parade for this bravery?”  I’m getting a parade right now, a parade of nos which actually feels like many visits to the doctor’s office which I really hate cause it’s scary.  I’m rambling.

Focus on the good Cindy.  Focus on the good.  Okay, I got sign ups for Finn’s show.  I’m crazy to do this but it makes him so happy.  But Cindy, there’s no pay in this.  But Cindy, it isn’t always about money.  But Cindy you need to focus.  But Cindy he will be this age for a minute, the Universe is providing.  Back to the good.  Flip is on his last round of chemo.  And he feels pretty good.  Okay.  Big yay.  And he and Kobbie are working together on his writing career and I’m so happy cause she’s so smart at that stuff and I really believe with her by his side he can do this.  And I get to be the supportive wife and not the hard ass editor who has to rip and cut at his writing.  And right now my work is about putting myself out there.  Not being afraid to talk to people and getting so darn comfortable with myself and others that I can take bigger and bigger risks so that Flip and I can have that dream of being best selling authors.  Really hard core working authors.  So maybe the rejections are  a good thing cause with each one I get tougher and tougher skin?  Still a bit sad.  Okay to be sad, right?  And hopeful.  I’m sapful.

Back to the salt mines.

Ah, this blog was inspired by my Tammy who texted me this morn and said she loved my blogging. It’s amazing what a kind word can do.

So let’s see, the haps in Koblerland. Flip is almost done with chemo. Six months he’s been taking pills for two weeks and one week off. As of mid September he will be done. Done? Two years we’ve been on this rocky road and we will be done. I feel giddy, scared, hopeful and flighty. Like a caterpillar that’s been stuck in it’s chrysalis ( is that the right word) and can see the holes, the pinpricks of light popping through, the shift to wings but not ready to use them yet. And what kind of butterfly will I be?

Okay, so on with the Flip haps. After chemo there is one more surgery. A hernia caused by the cross stitching of the other two surgeries and weakened muscles. This surgery is more delicate than normal hernia stuff cause of the changes to Flip’s innards and will require a plastic surgeon. Flip is fighting the despair at the the thought of yet another surgery. And all I can see is that it isn’t life threatening. Although those fears and nightmares don’t go away do they? Ever? They will live with us now, in the shadow. It’s only the light of our determination that will keep them in the darkness. Oh my poetic me. Anyway, the plastic surgeon dude means Flip might be able to get a bit of lypo here and there and get the abs he has always wanted. This is awesome. I started humming “Tits and Ass” from A CHORUS LINE. Wondering if they’d throw in a nip and tuck for me. Hmmmmm. I’ve always wanted a Barbie nose. Alas. We don’t how long the surgery will be. But we’re planning for Mid October. We’ve opted to put our celebretory cruise on hold. We want to make sure Flip is strong and can enjoy every last minute of it. I’m now looking at a 28 day cruise in January. Uh huh. 1500 dollars? Hello. Fifty bucks a day. 28 days at sea. Could life be grander? But it’s nice to dream and have loads to look forward to.

I’ve finally gotten down to writing thanks for my birthday presents. I feel terrible it’s taken me so long. But life on the road and then crazy adjust at home. So they are coming! I have done nothing on my office except pick out paint samples which I’m not taking seriously.

As for the pumpkin. He’s about to see a dream come true. Three years he has begged me to do one of our shows as a junior version. Just one. Each year he concocts casts and storylines to make that happen and each year it’s been a no can do. But not this year. Uh uh. I said, “Yes.” And so did the foundation at his school. So I’m happy to say that if we get the kids then something has finally replaced Survivor in his life. It’s all he talks about. He’s even begun the editing for me. He’s so excited. He wakes up talking about the show. Goes to sleep talking about the show. And I love that he is so happy. Flip is even excited. When I came home and told him he started daydreaming about the set. Trying to figure out how we could do this. Which is awesome cause it gives Flip something else to focus on. Something to put his fears into and tuck them away. A very happy hobby for my boys.

In addition, Finn had this great idea to start a school paper run by his fifth grade class. They could charge for it. It would be totally kid driven. And I said, “Yes” to that too. I think I’m a glutton for punishment cause some of our meets will be before school. Hello? Me? Not morning person. But I’m excited for the kids. And they’ll learn so much. And it will help their sense of community. And it will look awesome on their college apps. Finn is not as excited about this as the show. But thrilled that he had this idea others are wanting to do too. I guess one little person can make a difference. And this will show him and a bunch of young ‘uns just how much. The money we raise will go for something for the school.

As for me. I got rejected by my New York agent. Yep. I was heart broken. Cried for a whole day. She just doesn’t think she’s right for this project. She believes in it but she doesn’t know how to place it. Blah Blah Blah. So I’m looking again. But not too hard. I’m going at this process differently this time. I think in the past I believed I had to make things happen. And that made me cranky and frustrated cause it didn’t go the way I hoped. Now, I’m giving myself some time to follow my bliss. And try it that way. This way if the rejections come – ha – when they come – it won’t be so icky cause I won’t have suffered so much getting there. Don’t know if that makes sense. But it will make it easier to let go. And I’m trusting in my intention alot lot more. Will it make more opportunities come? I don’t know. Is it making me happier and more at peace? Yep. So maybe that’s all it needs to be. Oh and four more shows got rejected. Don’t know where else to take them. But I know all is good.

I’m reading Depak Chopra – HOW TO KNOW GOD. And wow. Just super wow. The way he presents his arguments, there can be no other way. It is a must read.

And a must hear is the song, FIGHT LIKE A GIRL by Bomshel, thank you Katie Daity. It’s wonderful.

I’ve signed on to facebook. This is an interesting thing. Hmm, these mortals are strange beings. But I like the mundane ness of it. I like knowing that so and so had soup for lunch and such and such is moving into her apartment and likes her pink bathroom. It’s those little details that we miss being so far away from each other that fill in the shades of someone’s life. It’s like we get all the lovely hues and not just the extreme blacks and whites.

I’m going on a spritual retreat. Uh huh. That be me. In September. Six or is it seven women and a whole lot of meditting. Whoa. Excited. Ready. Butterfly. Butterfly.

Waiter is not a chicken. Or a fish. Or even an Ogapi. He’s a dog and he must accept.

After nine weeks of being on the road I am home.  At first reluctant to return, face the music which isn’t so melodic but sounds alot like bills and stuff, I am finally accepting my fate.  Home.

WAITER the puppy was happy to see me.  So thrilled that he left little momentos on the carpet.  The good news is that I tentatively approached Flip about getting new carpet – a rant I’ve been on for over a year – and he said yes, we could start getting estimates.  Having watched my folks marriage destroyed by credit – my dad always living on the card – I have been a fiend about not doing that.  But maybe I’m not him?  Them?  And maybe I can pay this off in a timely fashion?  It’s a new thought.  One I like.  And one that gets rid of this horrible no longer white but polka dotted junk on my floor.

Flip is in the sixth of eight sessions of chemo.  It’s a bitch.  There’s no other way to describe it.  During the weeks he’s on pills, he’s stronger.  But when he’s off his body rebels heartily.  There’s weakness, nausea, his feet go numb, his hands go numb, he can’t eat.  It’s frightening.  And hard.  And I try to remember what this offers us.  Live in gratitude for every thing.  But to watch my warrior man weakened like this seems so unfair.  What keeps a smile on his face is the summer.

None of us want it to end.  We loved doing this.  We loved traveling.  We loved working at Francis Wilson.  It was wonderful. It’s hard to describe.  It’s like I become the me I want to be when I’m away.  I stop stressing about the silly stuff.  My priorities hang straighter.  And I don’t worry.  When crap comes up I deal and on I go.  I’m hoping that it isn’t the place but the work I’ve been doing with Kimberly that’s causing this change.  yes, I will think it is.

The shows came out great.  And the kids were wonderful.  I highly recommend this work to anyone and everyone.  It will make you happy in a way that is indescribable.

The very bummer news is that I am no longer represented by a New York book agent.  She said she didn’t know how to sell it so she was opting out of the contract.  Ouch.  Big slice to the gut.  I’m still reeling a bit from this news.  Not sure what the next step in the journey is.  So that’s something new for me.  I’m giving myself time to think this through.  No, feel this through.  Usually I come home and I’m jumping into the next thing.  Not this time.  This time I’m writing different hopes and dreams.  Trying them on.  Seeing which one feels the best.  If you do what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always got.  And though I’m grateful for all I have.  I’d like to see something less frustrating and more rewarding.  I don’t know what that is.  Yet.  But ideas are coming.

I think that’s it for today.  Thanks everyone for staying in touch.  And the comments.  It’s making me feel connected.

Oh, I just joined facebook.  Yay for me.  I’m having trouble following it.  But I’m on it.

I’m actually having to pay to get on the internet.  Criminy, when did I need to get on the internet?  When did that become so important?

Dennis, Finn and I arrived here last Monday.  And we think we brought the rain.  It showered buckets. But with no car, we were forced to just do nothing.  And I got to say, it is just what the doctor ordered.  I’m sleeping way too much, reading. I actually bought a jigsaw puzzle and I happily sit and do it while Finn and Dennis watch yet another episode of Sponge Bob or Fairly Odd Parents, or any reality show on Cartoon Network.

Finn’s current fave is I Survived a Japaneese Game Show.  Oh my gosh. Talk about weird.  And wacky.  But it’s on Wed night and fun to sit around and giggle together.   My discovery is on Bravo, The Fashion Show. It’s a Project Runway ripoff but alot kinder and it has Isaac Mizrahi hosting so that makes it delish.

Camp starts in just a few days and I’m excited but I could use another month of this nothingness.  I think the last year has finally caught up with me.  It’s like I’ve been running at super speed and just stopped. Now all the feelings and all the junk and fears are piling on top of me.  I’m sifting through them.  Getting clear on what’s what.  My article came out in the St Pete Times. That was fun.  I’ve actually met a few people who saw the article and recognized me.  Te he.  Miss Celeb.  Me?

Life is good and peaceful.  Ahhhh.

Well it’s been two long weeks but our boy has come to MO.  This is the longest stay he’s ever had.  Usually he comes in the final weekend, but this time he’s here for a whopping ten days.  A whole weekend!  And then some. I’m very happy.  It’s a bit hard adjusting to having to share the covers, but I think I can adjust (LOL).

Scott did it.  Yay for him. Thank you Scotty bear.  He got me the interview with the Jeff City Tribune which means that the bookstore will do the signing which means my book will be in one more shop.  Yay!  I’m very happy.  And I’m telling everyone I know and even those I don’t.  YOU HAVE TO COME!  They don’t serve cookies or anything, so I think I’ll provide that.  I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem much fun without little sugar morsels.  I hope all the kids can come.  They don’t get to participate in this kind of thing too often and I’m eager to share. 

The show is coming along.  We got our costumes from the Little Theater who every year generously donates to us.  And it’s a plethera of 40’s shoulder pads and pencil tight skirts and fedoras.  The kids look wonderful.  And they are actually learning their lines as asked.  It’s a good world.  With all the newbies in our cast, kids never been on a stage, it will be fun to see the evolution of growth.  Just watching their confidence bloom now is amazing.  I look forward to our opening on Friday night. 

I dearly love MO.  I look forward to coming here every year.  Last night we went to WhoHots (I have no idea how to spell it).  Mongolian BBQ where you pick the ingredients and they make it before your eyes.  Athletic young bucks standing around a large stovey thing flipping chicken and noodles.  That’s worth coming just for itself.  But the food was good and the company better.  We so rarely get a chance to sit and talk to the parents.  Actually get to know them, and they us and it was wonderful.  We talked about kids, politics,  movies, all that grown up stuff.  Then it was off to Bonkers which in our land is like a Chuck E. Cheeses.  They kids leapt and jumped around like monkeys and I put my feet up and talked to grown ups some more. Gratitude.

We are a bit challenged with enrollment in Florida.  The economy is hitting people hard.  Sharon from the St Pete Times – by the by that interview should be out soon  and boy was it fun to be asked about my book and to have someone other than my husband,  a stranger who found me a lot like Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney, think my book was an “intriguing idea.”  (that’s a quote).  Anyway she said that she knows of several camps that had to close their doors this year.  Oy.  The kids needs this now more than ever.  Studies are showing that they are as stressed out as their parents cause they hear their parents talking and fretting.  Criminy, it’s so important. 

Please keep a good thought or nine for us that we are not victims of this economy.  Oh, this is a good time to pitch the camp.  Three weeks in beautiful balmy Clearwater.  You will get to meet publisher Steve Fendrich.  (looks great on a college application)

Well, that’s about it.  It’s hot here. And muggy.  Tonight we’re going to Shakespeare’s pizza.  You get to eat pizza plus you get your own ball of dough to play with.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Well tomorrow we start the beginning of week two.  Time flies here.  It’s like I turn around and a day has passed.  It’s been incredible healing in so many ways.  I dearly love Tammy.  She’s just got this wonderful way about her.  I always feel special.  No matter what.  It’s hard to explain.  She has such great taste and yet when she goes shopping with me, me with my child like tastes and my attraction to color, and she’s so supportive I feel as if chartruese and purple are the ultimate in hip.  (I promise I didn’t, but in her eyes I am a Wonder Woman).  And then there’s the amazing meals.  She made this dip yesterday, cream cheese, pesto and mozzarella – wow.  I wanted to bury my head in a vat of the stuff.

I’m struggling alot with my size.  No my weight.  I thought I’d come to terms with my “womanly” curves, but no vay Jose.  However, I’m finding my way back to the discipline of watching what I eat.  It gets easier with each day.  Except for that feeling like, “Okay, I’ve been good today so doesn’t that mean I should have lost eight pounds?”

Finn took me out for my birthday today.  We saw “Night at the Museum.”  Eh.  But we went to lunch first, that was after getting lost driving around Jeff City, we stayed calm.  And just found our way to the capitol building.  The Capitol in Jeff City is this classic structure that overlooks the town like a sentry on high.  And you know where you are if you can see the capitol.  Does that make sense?  It’s Jeff City’s icon.  And at night, lit up against a dark cloudy sky, it’s breathtaking. 

I’m getting interviewed by the St Pete Times this week!  Who ho!  I’m excited.  I think about my book.  But we’ll see.  Hopefully it will help promote the camp in Florida.  Scott did all he could to open doors for me.  Made many calls.  Now I guess it’s up to me to walk through those doors and see if they’ll stay open. 

I see so many shifts in me.  The biggest one today was examining the clothes I wear.  I began to wonder if I’ve used my bright colors as a way to avoid really being seen.  If you’re looking at the colors, you don’t see me.  That fat, shy girl lurks inside me yet.  So I’m experimenting with simplicity.  I kind of feel like Nathan Lane in BIRDCAGE, “One does want a hint of color?”  But do I need it?  Can I let myself shine through? 

And my teaching has changed.  I tried this way cool exercise on Friday.  Something I’d not done before.  Ususally we do circle work and the kids talk about their wishes. This time we got to stand up and say them as if they’d come true.  It was neat to see the energy shift.  How empowered they began to sound.  I’m thinking of calling my class, Yogama.  And they’re giving me feedback.  “I like this, I don’t like that.”   Oh and I’m directing off the cuff.  That’s also a first for me.  I’m ususally blocked out and ready to go.  Is this all about learning to trust myself?  Kimberly would say it’s honoring who I am.  I like that. 

Finn is up with me right now.  My best little buddy.  Who says things to me like, “Mom just cause you’re skinny doesn’t mean you’re beautiful.  Beautiful comes in all shapes.”  And “I love you mom”  And “Mom you’re weird.”  (let’s not forget he is a pre-teen).

The last two nights we’ve played Apple to Apples with the Marions.  Loads of giggles and laughs.  Mostly Finn.  And it’s a joy to hear him happy.  I’m so grateful for his company.  I dearly miss my Waiter.  Oh my.  At the cafe yesterday, a thick black pug by the name of Missy was sitting nearby.  I asked if it would be okay if I pet her?  Picked her up?  And this little bundle of fur sat in my lap, graciously accepted all of my kisses and hugs before returning to his mommy.  I miss my fuzzball so much.  I adore Beau, but he’s his mommy’s boy.  He follows Tammy around.  And smiles and wags for her.  And I want my boy.

Finn just lied down and said, “You’re weird.”  “And that’s the way I like it.”  I guess I’ll keep him.

Do be do.  What an eventful few days we’ve had.  Oh my.  Well, we got the show cast.  That’s always a biggee.  And dealing with the newbies who believe acting is about the amount of lines is always a challenge.  It’s lovely to see the kids who have been  in camp for years, telling the stories now about how the biggest part isn’t the best thing.  It’s fun to get the smaller parts and sometimes that’s who the audience likes best.  I feel like a proud momma bear watching her cubs, believing I’ve done one thing right.

Scott Marion is helping me to work through the bookstore people.  It’s so wonderful that he’s willing to call cause he knows someone at the distributor.  So much of this is walking blind.  I have no  idea what I’m doing and I still haven’t heard from my publisher what kind of direction to take, so there’s Scott guiding me through.  I feel so grateful for the Marions.  Criminy.  Amber’s now going to beauty school.  And I got to go pay her a visit.  Awesome.  This is better than having a doctor in the family!  I got to watch her play with hair and learn a few tips.  I fear I may become one of those obnoxious relatives who always has a hair ailment.  Isn’t that what doctors face? 

Saturday we get to go to Columbia which has awesome shopping.  Vintage stores and boutiques.  And Tammy with her taste.  She needs to be a stylist or something.  Every day she comes in wearing some darling outfit where all the pieces look great.  And I ask, “ohhhh, where did you get that?”  “Target,” she says with that beautfiul grin.  How does she do that?

My teaching goes interesting.  I’m finding that I want to incorporate all the different things I’ve learned this year. So there’s a game or seven.  And we’re doing meditation.  And smitches of yoga and this thing my brother does called sculpting.  Not sure what it’s all about.  But I’m letting my imagination run.  And the class is evolving. We’re even doing some breath work.  Acting is about the entire person, right?

And then to wrap up last night we had a torando warning.  Oh my gosh.  Yep.  It was fun!  There were sirens.  And we had to trundle down to the basement.  Where little puppy Beau whimpered but was so brave.  And mommy Tammy had to keep reassuring all of us.  What excitment.

Okay, last note.  My favorite times are the moment with Finn.  He’s doing this Survivor thing at lunch and it’s really fun. I get to watch.  I DON’T HAVE TO DO!  And then evenings we spend talking about it.  Just like the TV show. And we also watch Survivor on the computer.  Okay, I’m a little Survivor’d out.  But it’s such fun.  Last night he and I went to dinner at Subway.  And we walk home at night. And I’m so happy he’s here.  Is it possible to love someone this much?  He makes me breathe better.  And no matter where I am, when I see him, I know I’m home. 

Good day!